Here are some selections from my privately “published” (i.e., a half-dozen DIY copies for the guys) first songbook, General Bradley’s Movie Knights Club Band, and its never-to-be follow-up, Magical Hostly Tour.
Go ahead, sing along at home. You know you want to.
“Being for the Benefit of Mr. Blake!”
(Lennon/McCartney/Bradley)
For the benefit of Mr. Blake
Tom Flynn has said he’ll welcome make on Movie Night
The Musketeers meet on Friday
Late of Penguin USA—what a sight
All the chips and cookies tacos eggrolls
Lastly with a packet of duck sauce!
And with glee Mr. B. will flee from the world!
The celebrated Mr. F.
Convenes the boys October Twelfth at Woodside, Queens
The Musketeers will view and chat
And Mexicans will make us fat on refried beans
Messrs. T. and F. assure the group
That Tom’s buffet is always second to none
And no doubt Joe will pass out by half-past ten!
The fun begins at half-past six
When Mr. F. serves pretzel sticks from counters clean
And Matthew B. may demonstrate
Ice Station Zebra, all irate—just one scene
Having been some weeks in preparation
A splendid time is guaranteed for all
And tonight Gilbert might imitate Doug.
“The Host with the Most”
(Lennon/McCartney/Bradley)
Night after night, alone in his flat
The man with the wall of hats is talking just to his cat
But once in a while they join him
For the fun and the films and food
And he never lets them help him
But the host with the most
Sees his friends coming ‘round
And the candles are lit
When the sun’s going down
Kaiju and gore, presented with pride
The man of a thousand movies keeps him amply supplied
But don’t ask about Blake Edwards
Or the films he appears to hate
And he never seems to show them
But the host with the most
Sees his friends coming ‘round
And the candles are lit
When the sun’s going down
And he always serves your favorites
He just does what he wants to do
And he doesn’t charge admission
But the host with the most
Sees his friends coming ‘round
And the candles are lit
When the sun’s going down
He doesn’t go for breakfast
Or send you on your way
He just sleeps in
The host with the most
Sees his friends coming ‘round
And the candles are lit
When the sun’s going down
Tom…
“The Movie Knights”
(Lennon/McCartney/Bradley)
Well we’re the Movie Knights
And we been watchin’ killer trees
Yeah we’re the Movie Knights
We torture Matthew with Fulcis
But when we’re sitting at Tom’s
And watching classics or bombs
There’s always crackers with the cheese
You know we work all day
To get us money to buy us flicks
And no matter what our host will say
We’ll throw Blake Edwards in the mix
So why we come here to Tom’s
Instead of going to Mom’s
We’re watching movies without chicks
Here at Tom’s
Food is brought right to your door
Here at Tom’s
You will just want to eat more, more, yeah
‘Cause we’re the Movie Knights
And we been watchin’ Octaman
Yeah we’re the Movie Knights
We’re stayin’ conscious while we can
But when it gets really late
We will succumb to our fate
Just like the sleepy Word-Man
So why we come here to Tom’s
We never feel any qualms
The host will treat us right
Here at Tom’s
Everyone has his own seat
Here at Tom’s
He makes sure everything’s neat, neat, yeah
‘Cause we’re the Movie Knights
We let Jogura set the date
Yeah we’re the Movie Knights
But we’re not watchin’ Heaven’s Gate
So when we get out to Queens
Not at Denise or Loreen’s
We’ll try to stay up really late
You know we’ll stay up really late
You know we’ll stay up late…
(Lennon/McCartney/Bradley)
Ah, look at all the unwatched movies
Ah, look at all the unwatched movies
Brian G. Ehlert
Taping the versions of films that nobody has seen
Now they’re widescreen
Dubbed or subtitled
Adding the extras on every menu that he sees
Commentaries
All the unwatched movies
Where do they all come from?
All the unwatched movies
Where do they all belong?
Word-Man Matt Bradley
Needs some John Saxon and don’t forget Carol Lynley
Those he will see
He just can’t keep up
Plowing through pictures he’d like to dismiss as a bore
Questions galore
All the unwatched movies
Where do they all come from?
All the unwatched movies
Where do they all belong?
Ah, look at all the unwatched movies
Ah, look at all the unwatched movies
Brian G. Ehlert
Sends us his favorites and knows we will watch them someday
No Michael Bay
Word-Man Matt Bradley
Got an assignment from someone at GoodTimes who’s rude
Nothing was viewed
All the unwatched movies
Where do they all come from?
All the unwatched movies
Where do they all belong?
“I Am the Word-Man”
(Lennon/McCartney/Bradley)
AIP and ABC and DVD and they all merge together
See how my book is never quite complete see how it grows
I’m writing
Sitting at a PC, waiting for ideas to come
Corporation GoodTimes, stupid meeting Tuesday
Man you been a naughty boy
You made your copy long
I am the Word-Man, they are the Word-Men
I am the groupie, TGRM
Mister Paranoia sitting
Down to write those screenplays in a row
See how they film him as Omega Men or Shrinking Men
I’m writing, I’m writing
I’m writing, I’m writing
Interviewing Bob Clark, Keir Dullea and writers too
Memories are fading, he forgot my book now
Man you been a naughty guy
You let your fanboy down
I am the Word-Man, they are the Word-Men
I am the groupie, TGRM
Boris Karloff in The Raven waiting for his cue
If the cue don’t come, you get your laughs from
Listening to Lorre’s jokes
I am the Word-Man, they are the Word-Men
I am the groupie, TGRM
William Shatner on an airplane don’t you think
The gremlin laughs at you? Hohoho heeheehee hahaha!
See how I try, while assignments pile high
See how I cry
I’m writing
Interviews and presskits eating up my time all day
When I worked at Penguin I became his pen pal
Man, you should have seen him scripting Edgar Allan Poe
I am the Word-Man, they are the Word-Men
I am the groupie, TGRM
TGRM, TGRM, TGRM…
“Casa Flynn”
(Lennon/McCartney/Bradley)
In Casa Flynn there is a bookcase holding photographs
Of every star we’ve had the pleasure to meet
And with the autographs they’re complete
They just can’t be beat
On the sofa is a cat who’s known as Sabretooth
She grabs his spot whenever Gilbert turns his back
And when he’s sitting there Joe won’t whack
On the Bradley-Boy, what a joy
Casa Flynn is where we come on Movie Night
There you’ll watch a film and have a bite
I grab the Barcalounge
In Casa Flynn there is a room that has a wall of hats
His pad’s the envy of my daughter and Loreen
He keeps his DVD player clean
It’s a clean machine
Casa Flynn is where we come on Movie Night
And we very rarely fight
Except about the gore
Behind the sofa there are Christmas lights for all the year
The Molson sign is urging Chris to have a beer
And though he isn’t lacking in good cheer
He does anyway
In Casa Flynn the host is serving up the cookies now
While Gilbert’s warming up his camera for a show
And then the music begins to flow
From the Bradley-Boy, what a joy
Casa Flynn is where we come on Movie Night
When the moment feels completely right
We order Chinese food
Casa Flynn is where we come on Movie Night
Get another candle, douse the light
Casa Flynn!
“Be a Hack Writer”
(Lennon/McCartney/Bradley)
Be a hack writer
Come work at GoodTimes and promote some trash
You could make some money, you could be a smash
We do Three Stooges and we do The Firm
If you need a job, come and join us, you can be a hack writer
Be a hack writer
We’ve got Richard Simmons and he’s prancing ‘round
If you’re seeking value, well it can’t be found
We do Roy Rogers and Bonanza too
If it drives you nuts, it’s a living; come and be a hack writer
Be a hack writer
Be a hack writer
You can work with folks who don’t know how to spell
You will think that you have died and gone to Hell
If you change it once, they’ll change it back again
But the pay is steady, so just suck it up and be a hack writer
Be a hack writer
You can slave for hours on a cancelled job
And the mindlessness is sure to make you sob
Then you lose your office and get shoved upstairs
But it sure beats sending out your resume so be a hack writer
Be a hack writer
Be a hack writer
Be a hack writer, be a hack writer
Be a hack writer, be a hack writer
Be a hack writer, be a hack writer
Be a hack writer, be a hack writer (fade out)
“General Bradley’s Movie Knights Club Band”
(Lennon/McCartney/Bradley)
Well it was several years ago this week
General Bradley gave his friends a peek
At a song he’d written for them all
With a little help from John and Paul
He didn’t know just what he’d done
A new career had now begun
General Bradley’s Movie Knights Club Band
We’re General Bradley’s Movie Knights Club Band
We’re singing in between the flicks
General Bradley’s Movie Knights Club Band
We like to give our Host his kicks
General Bradley’s Movie, General Bradley’s Movie
General Bradley’s Movie Knights Club Band
The fellowship is genial
The food is ample, too
The movies are uproarious
It’s like a second home with Tom
It’s like a second home
I don’t really wanna brag or boast
But I think I really please our Host
When I generate a wacky song
Even though he never sings along
So let me introduce to you
The one and only Matty B.
And General Bradley’s Movie Knights Club Band
Matty B.
“When I’m Forty-Four”
(Lennon/McCartney/Bradley)
Now that I’m older, growing a paunch
Many brain cells gone
Will you still invite me out to Casa Flynn
Salty snacks and Chinese again
If I pass out at quarter to ten
Would you let me snore
Will you still back me, will you still whack me
When I’m forty-four
You are aging too
But we’re still young at heart
That’s what friends can do
Cassie grows older, Michael does too
Will they date somehow
Jack and Molly wear their Iron Maiden shirts
Sabretooth has company now
Watching some movies, singing some songs
Talking evermore
Will you still back me, will you still whack me
When I’m forty-four
Every summer we can take a road trip
To a HorrorFind, if the guests are good
Check the dealer’s room
Bob Evans gravy too
Gilbert Tom and Reen
Write me an e-mail, send me a link
Who has died today
Spread the word just when my piece in Filmfax runs
Or if there has been a delay
Serve me some cashews, buy me some Dibs
FSEs galore
Will you still back me, will you still whack me
When I’m forty-four
“The Wait”
(Robertson/Bradley)
I pulled out my manuscript, and I started to revise again;
I haven’t got a contract, but I’ve surely got a pen.
“Hey, Richard, can you tell me what you wrote in ’58?”
He just sent a fax and said, “No, but boy, you’re doin’ great.”
(Chorus:)
Put a quote in, Matty, put a quote for free;
Put a quote in, Matty, and (and) (and) you can quote him indef’nitely.
He wrote for Jack Arnold, ‘bout a dude called the Shrinking Man;
Then Al Zugsmith told him, “I will hype this if I can.”
He said, “Al, a shrinking man is incredible enough.”
But the title stuck and Al said, “Buddy, that’s just tough.”
(Chorus)
Sailed off to London to adapt his most famous book.
But the censor threatened him, and his screenplay got the hook.
“Well, don’t you fret, we’ll find something else for you.”
So he wrote for Christopher, and Tallulah Bankhead, too.
(Chorus)
Television beckoned, and he jumped into the Twilight Zone.
Wrote about a gremlin, and a ghost that’s on the phone.
He did Captain Kirk, and the girl from U.N.C.L.E., too.
Had to feed his family, while his novel’s overdue.
(Chorus)
A young guy name of Spielberg, he was lookin’ for a hit.
He said, “A crazy trucker? Now, that is surely it!”
Then it’s on to Mr. Kolchak, and the rest is history.
You can read all about it when the book is there to see.
(Chorus)
“Long Cool Woman Who Could Fact-Check”
(Clarke/Cook/Greenaway/Bradley)
Monday at noon in my office
Working for the MBI
Drowning in a sea of readers
Linn’s Stamp News is piling high
Customer service got a crackpot
He’s claiming that our copy is wrong
Just about to check the Help Wanteds
When I saw an e-mail say, “Hey, be strong”
A pair of urls sent my confidence high
I saw her there in my mind’s eye
She was a long cool woman who could fact-check
With a Mensa beautiful mind
She saved my bacon from a bad mess
‘Cause that long cool woman backed it up
I saw her listing all her sources
Like a dealer shows off his cards
When Kristi said, “I hope that you’re covered, boy”
I told customer service, “Bring it on!”
The facts in the case were philatelic
Imperforates were running amok
The layout was psychedelic
But the copy was solid as a rock
Well Ted Stanley was upping my bonus
When her invoice hit my box
I e-mailed her, “Don’t be afraid
‘Cause you’re gonna get paid”
Well it may be automatic
To send all things numismatic
To the long cool woman who could fact-check
With a Mensa beautiful mind
She saved my bacon from a bad mess
’Cause that long cool woman backed it up
Backed it up, backed it up, backed it up…
(Lennon/McCartney/Bradley)
I told you ’bout the Casa of Flynn
You know the place where we’ve always been
Well here’s another train you can take
With TVs to break
Walking by the Esquire Diner
To see how the Dover boy lives
Come on down to Ozone Park
I told you ’bout the Gill-Man and me, man
At fatherhood he’s good as can be, man
Well here is a reminder for you
The baby is Lou
Singing by the old jukebox, yeah
Swarthy Italians trying to take the noise, yeah
Come on down to Ozone Park
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
Come on down to Ozone Park
I told you about the Host with the Most
I tell you man he isn’t no ghost
Well here’s another Villa to see
Listen to me
Riding the Chariot homeward
Trying to write a Tor.com post
Come on down to Ozone Park
“Space Force All the Way”
(Van Heusen/Cahn/Bradley)
Although Putin loves me
I’ll feel safer with my Space Force, all the way
I don’t need no race horse
I just need to have my Space Force, all the way
Higher than the SDI is
That’s where Space Force must be
Higher than the deep blue sky is
We’ve got to make space great again
When tariffs just won’t do
China’s got to fear the Space Force, all the way
Though the Wall busts budgets
And the Pentagon makes expensive hammers
To the Starship Troopers lead us
A bug hunt? Who can say?
But you can furlough on Mars
If you just support my Space Force, all the way, all the way
BRADLEY ON FILM 
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